I do remember her smile...

A dear friend of mine emailed me today to let me know that another friend was dead. Pam and I were "best friends" since we met in 10th grade until we were about 20 and things went sour. So strange to not speak to her for about 13 years or so and then see an obituary. Yes, I hated her for a long time for the things she did (to me, to other friends). Then appreciated it for the good story it made. But I’m not sure how I feel about this. Just a little sad for her kids and for my memory of her, really, which makes it awkward. I think I’m not that surprised at the news because a few years back I had found articles about her online that told of her trouble with the law over a drug issue (it's all public record, the only reason I mention it here). I wonder if her death was drug related? Or if she had a normal, happy life and the incident was a misunderstanding or bad mistake due to temptation or a bad influence in her life a the time (we all make those). A wife, a mother a nurse... all I knew, really, was the teenager.

The other feeling I get, to be honest, is that it makes me feel scared for me. I know it is selfish, but obituaries scare me, especially when it is someone my age. Isn't everyone a little like that?

Back to Pam, though. I’ll try to afford her a few moments of happy memories today. We did have lots of good times. But it is so hard to remember the good without getting cynical and sarcastic; wondering what was real and what was conniving and self-serving on her part. As in “Ah, remember the time that we… too bad she would later ill-use my trust to empty my bank account!” It is so hard not to go there. It was bitter. In fact, I was surprised that my friend mentioned the news with such gentleness since she had her own bad experiences with Pam. But I write that here just to get it out, and will try to be respectful if others ask about her.

I wonder what her life was like. I’m sorry that she died, and I’m sorry for her mother and for her two children. Like my friend Kim before she died, I had always wondered if we would somehow meet again and what that would be like. Death says “no” to that option, yet again. And since I don’t believe in an afterlife, I will have to accept that, yet again.