Good Guest, Good Host

I tend to throw a lot of parties and get-togethers. I tell my friends that if I didn't, I wouldn't be invited anywhere because they are all lazy-asses who don't open their homes to guests. So I invite them over for dinners, brunch, movie nights, craft clubs, holidays -- and they are pretty much ruining my house, but it's all good, I love having them here.

But I do observe the lack of etiquette once people start to take you, the host, or you, the guest, for granted, so I thought I'd put together a few dos and don'ts for future guests (of anyone) and future hosts (of any event).

Good Guests:

DO NOT cancel your Rsvp at the last minute. That really sucks. But if you do have to cancel, do it quietly. Because sometimes other people will hop on the cancel-train if they see the party guests starting to opt out.

DO remember that someone is hosting something. That means they are going to some trouble to put an event together for you. Show your appreciation by participating correctly -- read the damn invitation! It will let you know if there is something to bring. Don't just mooch off the other quests.

DO bring a hostess gift. Every time (well, unless the party is a Tupperware or other sales party -- then don't bring anything but your wallet). That could be something as simple as contributing to the meal -- bringing a cake and leaving the uneaten portion with the host. Or bringing a cheap bottle of wine. I have a friend who will bring a $5 bottle of wine, then drink all the wine opened before hers. Then, if her bottle hasn't been opened, she will leave with it. Tacky, tacky, tacky! Especially since everyone knows that any unopened bottles will probably just be opened at my next party.

DO NOT ask the host for leftovers unless they are offered. The host has been working to make their house nice for you, probably for a few days now -- neglecting her own family. Those leftovers are probably her only way of feeding her family the next day. LOL! :D

DO NOT whine about the way the host sets up a game or activity. This one happened recently at a friend's house. She had a gift exchange with "stealing". Now some people have the rule that any one gift can only be stolen three times and then it is no longer available. No fun! So my friend doesn't limit the stealing -- though if in any round a certain set of gifts starts going round and round, she will give a 5-second countdown and those gifts are no longer available in that round. It always works out great and what's nice is that the last person gets to choose from anything, not just what is left. But there is always that one or two people who whine "No limits?? This is going to take forever!" and they don't shut the hell up throughout the whole game. And they are always wrong -- it never takes forever. One of them even came up to the host afterward to say "SOMEone said that if you do it this way next year, they won't be coming." Wow. And we all know that someone" was her, trying to bully the host. The host just said "good" and moved on.

DO remove your shoes when you come in. Really. Shoes are gross. If it's a dress-up party, fine, leave them on -- but make sure they are relatively clean. But if it's a casual get-together or game night or something like that, take them off. Leave your nasty street-dirt at the door.

DO NOT come into the house with boxes and bags full of food/beverage/whatever else you were supposed to bring and leave them all over the place. Put them out of site once they are empty. The house looked nice when you walked in, right? Don't ruin it for everyone else.

DO NOT just sit and chat with one person all night. Make sure to include newcomers. Meet and mingle. Leave your seat and move around a lot. Play musical chairs so that the participants in each conversation change. You will make more friends and have a better time. I promise!

DO NOT call the hostess with questions the hour or two before the party (or during the party). I mean, seriously? That is her busies time! Get her your questions way before that. And make them good ones. If you're in your 40s or 50s and are still asking "what do I need to bring" even though you can see all the food listed on some Rsvp page, you still need a babysitter. Don't need a babysitter. Figure it out.

DO NOT make the host feel bad if you are allergic to something being served or if you don't drink and the host offers you wine. Just say "no thanks" and move on. You are responsible for what goes into your mouth, and you are responsible for monitoring your diet or habits. The host is supposed to offer you everything, not edit for you. Otherwise they wouldn't be a good host.

DO NOT break stuff. That might mean not getting drunk and stumbly, that might mean avoiding horseplay with your kids. Hey, breakage happens -- and the host expects it. Just try to be kind to the surroundings.

DO NOT get up to leave just because someone else did. Wait 15 minutes or so. This is a terrible habit of guests -- it really makes the host feel horrible. Ive' had parties where one person says "I have to go" and three of four others say "yeah, it's getting late, me, too" and they all leave at the same time. There is truly a post-party depression that kicks in when you are suddenly left alone in your decorated house. So try not to do that. If someone said it first, too bad for you. Don't even hint at leaving until about a chunk of time has passed since the last wave of people has left the building. I mean come on -- what else do you have to rush off to?

DO NOT boss the host around. "Can you get me this? Can you get me that? Do you have a pen? A better lightbulb? Some more napkins from the kitchen?" Unusual stuff that isn't part of the party, or stuff that is just in the other room or on the other table. Yes, you are a guest and should be pampered, but don't be a pain in the ass. The host wants to enjoy the party, too.

DO NOT interrupt the host when the host is giving a speech.

DO NOT invite people to a party who your host doesn't know unless the host specifically lets everyone know that they can invite friends, if the friend is a celebrity (LOL), or if the host is inviting everyone in a group and didn't know that person was new to the group (like the neighborhood or a club). Your host will likely be good about the request or newcomer, if he or she is a good host. But you are adding stress to their evening.

DO NOT advertise if it you are tired and want to go home. No yawning, no asking other guests for the time. Slip out quietly after thanking the host. Otherwise you might start a stampede. Not cool.

DO toss your garbage in the trash. I am always amazed at how many dirty napkins I have to pick up at the end of the night. I mean people wiped their mouths and noses with these things! Ew! LOL, just do your best to find the trash and use it.

DO NOT complain or make a face if your white-elephant or Secret Santa or birthday gift isn't awesome, unless it is SUPPOSED to be a joke gift. The person who brought it is watching you. Always act like it is the most perfect thing you have ever received. Always.

DO NOT leave before midnight on New Year's Eve. Just sayin'.

DO bring your smile and open mind. Be ready for anything and participate.

DO NOT expect to keep being invited if you keep turning your host down.

DO thank the host at the end of the evening. And make your kids do it, too.

Good Hosts:

DO clean your house. A clean -- and I mean clean AND uncluttered -- house makes people feel comfortable. Get your typical mess off the kitchen counters. Get the stuff out of the sink. Even if you have to hide it in the oven or dishwasher or in a box in the garage. Get rid of the clutter! People WILL hang out in the kitchen, especially if there is food. So make it neat in there. Heck, if your house is so cluttered that you don't think you can manage this, get a grip and call Hoarders. Just get it done.

DO NOT force your guests to do something that they think is uncomfortable -- like playing a silly game or taking off their nasty shoes. You can drop hints and try to get them interested, but let it go if they won't participate. Their loss.

DO try to always be prepared for the unprepared guests. Have extra gifts ready for people who forgot to bring theirs.

DO NOT make your guests clean up after themselves. While it is nice that they clear their plates and stuff like that, don't ask people to stay and help with dishes. Make a trash bin easily accessible and empty it if it gets too full. Hopefully most of the garbage will make it there. But if it doesn't, just suck it up and take care of it. You are a slave to your guests. Let them feel like they are pampered kings and queens.

DO mingle and give some time to each guest. If people are being lazy and staying in the same circles and same chairs, find a way to move them around. Play a game.

DO offer everything to each guest -- if you know a guest is an alcoholic, you should still offer, tactfully. No pushing it on them or laughing while you offer. Don't just skip that person if you are walking around with drinks (maybe don't walk around with drinks if you know there are issues). Otherwise you make your guest feel very self-conscious. It's not your business to monitor their habits.

DO play music in the background. Something snappy and eclectic, whether your group is small or big. A quiet party is a sleepy party and people go home too early.

DO NOT complain or make a face if your white-elephant or Secret Santa or birthday gift isn't awesome, unless it is SUPPOSED to be a joke gift. The person who brought it is watching you. Always act like it is the most perfect thing you have ever received. Always.

DO NOT talk negatively about a guest (unless you are writing this blog) ;) Seriously, though, try not to gossip about your guests. If someone starts complaining about someone, find a way to say something like "in all fairness to her..." and give them the benefit of the doubt, then change the subject.

DO NOT get too drunk. Yeah, yeah, I know -- you're not driving and you've worked really hard all week for this. Just try. But it's okay if you do get drunk. Hey, it happens. :)

DO be kind to any uninvited guests that one of your friends brings along. I know, it's not fair. But it's your friend's fault, not the newcomer's fault. If you have history with that person, then that's another story ;)

DO NOT say you're having a neighborhood party, then only invite your favorite neighbors (this goes for members of any group you're in). You really need to invite everyone who has ever come to any neighborhood party. Otherwise you're just being a bitch.

DO keep inviting people even if they keep turning you down. Yeah, I know -- I also told guests not to expect this. But a good host keeps people feeling welcome, even if they are crappy guests.


Now go have fun at your next party, people! Don't make me have to scold you again! LOL!

What Would Picard Do?

For some reason my husband stays up all night watching MASH and Seinfeld and Star Trek The Next Generation into the early morning hours. Then falls asleep on the couch. I see that he has hit the "record" button for some of the episodes, which is silly because we own every episode of MASH on DVDs and all these shows are on Netflix — so I will typically delete them after a few days seeing no reason to fill up the DVR. It's his thing to watch the same episodes over and over and over, memorizing the lines. I don't know why.

Of course, when we were dating, it was sweet: "He's so smart and geeky and cute the way he knows all the lines from all these great classic shows. He's sentimental. I just love that about him."

Now it's more like "What the freak do you have to memorize all these freaking lines from these freaking old shows for? What is wrong with you? What is WRONG with you? Get off the freaking couch and maybe start one of the projects on this house that is falling apart around us. This is just a symptom of the things I should have paid more attention to before we got married, you freaking mushbrained trivia addict!"

Sigh.

Not a Whovian

In most other ways I'm such a geek, but I've never, never been able to get into Dr Who (I think I've been asked to try every decade it's been on since the 70s). The latest attempt is with Capaldi, the new Who. I watched the first episode with my son and thought "okay, a little hokier than I would have expected, but maybe I can do this." But by the second episode I was bored about halfway through. Riddled with private jokes that pander to the long-time fans, filled with special effects that I thought were kinda lame in this day and age, and with a plot that made no sense (when he lands his Tardis on a battle-space-ship and is told to either help the Dalek against his will or be killed, Dr Who is allowed back into his Tardis to get help -- why didn't he just leave the ship? Oy), I got up to do laundry about halfway through and left it to my son. I give up.

I really think it's like a lot of shows and movies -- if you enjoyed it as a teen, you can still enjoy the corniness in later years. If not, it's hard to appreciate it starting in your forties, no matter how young-at-heart you are. I know -- I like lots of crap because I loved it as a kid :) But there is such better sci-fi out there -- or at least better, more clever geek-culture offerings -- in my honest opinion. So forgive me, fellow Comic-Con-ers, I just can't do it. But I'll fake it and still give Dalek cosplayers a thumbs-up. Maybe even knit my son an old-school Baker-esque scarf someday for fun while he sums up the best parts of each episode for me over a butterbeer. As long as I don't have to actually watch the show anymore. :)

UPDATE: January 2015
My son doesn't watch it anymore, either.

Oxford Comma Oxford Schmomma

On some silly George-Takei-directed message board about the Oxford Comma, I was enjoying the ridiculous debates about the "ands" and the redundant commas. I wrote: "People could always choose to write more clearly if there is the possibility of miscommunication — even if the thing you are trying to communicate is obvious, a serious point goes down the drain once people turn it into a grammar joke.

"For example, instead of: 'I had eggs, toast and orange juice', how about 'I had eggs with my toast and orange juice'? Or instead of 'we invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin', try 'we invited the strippers along with JFK and Stalin'."

Of course someone chimed in (as everyone is welcome to do — I always welcome an intelligent debate). The reply was: "So, just to avoid putting an extra comma, you should make your sentences more complicated? Got it."

A bit snarky, so I wrote: "Adding one or two words to uncomplicate a sentence complicates it for you? I am not for or against the Oxford comma; I am for clear and understandable communication of thoughts."

And if she writes back I want to reply (but I won't): "I think you're just grasping as silly reasons to try to be argumentative toward no real purpose. Or, if you prefer the less-complicated version: 'I think you're grasping, silly and argumentative.'" ;)

Accidental Extrovert

I think my friends tend to expect a lot of me. So I'm bound to disappoint. Because I have a secret: I am a desperately shy introvert.

I hide it so well. Party this weekend? Probably at Cheryl's house. Camping tip to plan? Cheryl will do it. Board member needed in the Mom's Club? Count on Cheryl. But every ounce of my energy goes into each of those activities, even if I don't do much. How do I know I am an introvert? Well, I have two Facebook friends who post articles about their introversion. I get annoyed when I read them. "She doesn't like to say 'yes' to get-togehers? Doesn't want to make plans? Needs a break after seeing us? How insulting! How wimpy! How boring! How ... me." Hmm! So I've been curious about my personality lately and here are the things I have found:

Please don't make plans with me more than a few days (preferably hours) in advance!
Okay, I know that is a lot to ask. And under many circumstances, impossible. But when someone tries to get me to commit to something, I kinda freak out a little. I feel like I have to sit in limbo until The Event and then and only then does my motor turn on again. Not exactly true, but that is how it feels. Calendar and clock watching ensues, my heart jumps every time I remember that The Event is coming up. How I cope: I try to accept the invitation no matter how much I dread it -- though an excuse to say "no" is never wasted. But if I am pressured after a while, it can turn on my friend. The constant pressure just pushes me away more and leads to alienation of that friend. I had to deal with that this week -- a slightly long-distance friend who wants to have more sleepovers between our two boys. Now I hate sleepovers. HATE. I dislike the idea of not being able to push someone else's kid out the door at the end of the day. I suffer through some of them because it's only fair. And sometimes you have to reciprocate. And I don't want to seem to reject someone else's child or become a one-sided sleepover mooch. But it is really difficult for me. I'd so much rather let the kids play during the day, then be able to return to my comfortable cocoon of a home, to my evening privacy, to my me-time.

I love my alone time with my son, to the point of becoming a hermit and alienating my own husband. My son is the one person in the world who I can spent all my time with - though we need some breaks from each other, too. When I was in my twenties I lived alone, with no friends or family nearby. I was lonely sometimes, but most of the time I really liked it. I remember thinking that it was time to think about starting a family (which I really wanted) and the image that came to mind was of me with a child in a tidy little house in some secluded Maine town. No husband in the picture, no big parties or friends around all the time. But I also need people in my life. I love my cousins and aunts and uncles and my Mother and, yes, even my brother. How I cope: I needed to find a best-of-both-worlds scenario. And most importantly, when I did have a child (and yes, I did fall in love and get married), I didn't want to turn him into an introvert. I wanted him to have a good, happy social life. So I joined clubs at got us together with other moms and kids. I made play dates, threw parties, made sure that he had kid time and I had adult time. But these gatherings were in short bursts with plenty of "rest" time in-between.

How do I explain this to my friends without sounding like an ass? Without sounding like authors of the articles posted by the introverts who angered and insulted and frustrated me on Facebook? I fight this introversion -- this shyness -- with every ounce of will I can muster. I say "yes" even though I want so badly to say "no". I probably drink to much in order to squelch my urge to flee. And once I am there -- once I am IN the situation -- I feel okay. It's the anticipation of the hijacking of my personal time that I fear the most, I think. I have some friends who are "easy" and never demand too much of my time and commitment. Our time together is laid back and relaxed and impulsive and there is little planning involved. But I have other friends who need to plan, need to spend more time (and sometimes, to me, once a week or twice a month is too much -- hey, I try!!), need to challenge me more. And it destroys me. And I resent them. And they feel it. And so it destroys our friendships.

Fellow introverts, do you feel me? How do you cope? What do you do? Please comment below and give us all some coping techniques. Or feel free to simply vent! Because if you're anything like me, you don't get to vent enough and end up arguing out loud in a room  by yourself a lot ;)

Walk the walk

“The world needs all kinds of minds.”

— Temple Grandin

I love that quote, don't you? Especially if you have a silly, quirky, march-to-the-beat-of-your-own-drum son like mine. Today I had to go pick up my 12-year-old after school (he had missed his bus) and when I texted to let him know I was outside, I watched as he came out the doors of his middle-school.

He was already smiling, looking around for my car. When he saw me, I got a bigger smile, a wave and then he sort of bounce-walked to my car, leaning forward and almost flapping his arms like wings a bit. Goofball :)

But then of course the mother/middle-schooler in me comes into play: Oh, he's being eccentric and silly! If the "cool" kids saw him, would they pick on him? Label him "weird"? Talk about him behind his back? Oh, god!

He got to the car, opened the back door and threw his backpack onto the backseat, then joined me up front. "Hi, Mom!"

"Hi, Hon! What was with the goofy walk to the car today?" I couldn't resist.

"Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it." He smiled and kinda laughed.

I decided to pursue it a bit further. "So how come you don't walk more like the boy coming out now?" The boy was probably a year or two older. Backpack over one shoulder. baggy jeans, scruffy hair, hoodie, sort of a frown — kind of a typical teenage boy, if you ask me. "It's like he assumes people are watching, and he wants to look cool." We both watched as the boy approached his mother's awaiting car.

And right before he got to her car he spat a big old gross, drooly loogie (and I am NOT going to "Google" the spelling of that word for fear of the images that might pop up on my screen) onto the sidewalk.

My son started cracking up! "Eww! Really, Mom? THAT's what you want me to be more like?? Oh, sure! I can do that!" :D

"Oh, that was classy! No, you're right, kiddo — do what makes you happy!"

Lesson learned!

Game Night!

Around the time my son turned 10 (end of 2011) I was trying to think of hobbies to keep him away from drugs and gangs when he gets older (scary thoughts of teen years yet to come o_O) So I thought back to when I was younger and of the boys I thought of as the “smart” ones — what did they do?

Munchkin in the park

Dungeons & Dragons, of course! Though they never invited me to play: NO GIRLS ALLOWED! ;) So I asked at a local game store if they could recommend something that was sort of D&D light — for a younger kid. They showed me to a game called Munchkin. I'd seen it around ("Kill the Monster — Steal the Treasure — Stab your Buddy," the boxes read). I purchased it and we tried playing it at home, but I was never sure I was really understanding the rules (I'm such a visual learner). I searched and searched online for videos of people just playing the game, to no avail. We put it away, a tad frustrated. A few months later we tried it again, but having never played a game anything like this before, I was still unsure that I was reading the rules correctly (What is the backpack for? Which players can help me? etc). I did another web search and — lo and behold! — this time I quickly found the Munchkin episode of TableTop.

Whaaaaa???? That cutie-pie Wil Wheaton is a geek like us? And has a board game show? And with Steve Jackson (the creator of Munchkin) as a bonus guest in that episode?? Too perfect! So we watched, we learned, we laughed, we LOVED!! It answered our questions and we were able to initiate other players by having them watch the episode.

Butterbeer

So of course, that led to subscribing to the TableTop page and Wil Wheaton's Facebook page (and, from there, discovery of Geek & Sundry and The Guild and Cards Against Humanity and other things geekish that made us so happy!) and so we’ve called it the Year of Wil Wheaton and TableTop. That next Christmas there were TWENTY-SIX games and extensions under the tree (we’re a family of three, so that’s a big number). We have more game nights with friends — to whom we’ve introduced new favorites like Catan and Wits & Wagers — and my son is trying to get a Munchkin Club going on a regular basis (the kids get snacks and butterbeer if they show up, and they LOVE the game!).

My son and I even went to Denver Comic Con for the first time this year and my son got to ask Wil Wheaton a question during his panel — he was giddy with delight! And Wil was so nice :) And of course the whole family stayed up for some Midnight Munchkin Madness in the hotel room!! (See The Guild, season 5)

Luke Skywalker
prepares his next shot

Munchkin club

My family has said that board games are my new addiction. The downside being the ridiculously hefty price tags on some of them (lots of these new, cool games are over $50) — so we wait for sales and special occasions. The local game store knows me by name now and are ready to show me any new games. No matter where I go, I take a travel game with me — like Hive or Mr. Jack or Zombie/Martian Dice (we bought some D24 dice to keep in those boxes so we can keep track of brains and other such scores) or Fluxx. My hubby and I had a great date night this past weekend — and of course we were sure to take pictures and post them on Facebook so that people would see all the fun new games we have, in the hope that we could encourage more friends to join us. Because lord knows I always want more people to play with me!! :)

So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Wil Wheaton and Tabletop for creating this show and opening our eyes to all the cool new gaming adventures out there! Not that we won’t still pull out Trivial Pursuit, Mille Bornes and Risk now and then :D Any time around the table with friends and family is time well spent. Game on!
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